This is a collector’s Christmas story (not to be confused with A Christmas Story — watch it for 24 hours on TBS) which sort of reminds me of The Gift of the Magi — only it involves spaceships and Christmas lights. About 650,000 Christmas lights, to be more precise.

With 17 wooded acres to cover in holiday lights, collector Stuart Ellis found himself in need of funds for both the lights and the juice to run them. So he decided to sell the 82-inch diameter hero “United Planets Cruiser C-57D” flying saucer filming miniature built for the groundbreaking 1956 sci-fi flick Forbidden Planet and used in six episodes of The Twilight Zone before MGM auctioned it off in 1970s.

Forbidden Planet Spaceship

The Denver Post reported that Ellis bought the spaceship for just $150 and that auction company Ellis was using, Profiles In History, predicted the filming miniature would bring $80,000 to $120,000, because, as Joseph Maddalena the chief executive of Profiles in History argued, the significance of this long-lost spaceship cannot be overstated.

“‘Forbidden Planet’ and other 1950s science-fiction films literally were the launchpad to get us into the space race,” he told me. “People were fascinated with outer space. All this led to us going to the moon.”

Unable to comprehend selling such a fantastic piece for the temporary glow of Christmas lights (no matter how real the possibility that the mass of them could likely attract real flying saucers), I had to at least know what Ellis’ sacrifice netted him.

I called auction house Profiles In History and spoke with Client Relations & Acquisitions director, Brian Chanes, who has been with the company for 18 years.

“You don’t know Forbidden Planet?!” he asked me obviously filled with amazement that I would call — perhaps even that I could execute a call — yet not know about Forbidden Planet.

United Planets Cruiser C-57d Flying Saucer

“The Day The Earth Stood Still ushered in the modern era of sci-fi…” he began. He was so nice about my ignorance that I half-apologized half-excused myself with a, “My husband would know, I assure you… I’m more of a book person when it comes to sf…” He paused a minute; probably feeling sorry for me. “You know Robby the robot from Forbidden Planet, don’t you… from The Invisible Boy?”

Robby the Robot from The Invisible Boy

Neither of us was comfrotable with him asking me.

And the truth is, while I did ’see’ a robot in my head, it turns out I was envisioning B-9 from Lost in Space — which the auction house has also sold (for $264,500).

The Lost In Space Robot B-9

Anyway, Chanes told me that Ellis’ spaceship sold on December 11th for $74,750. Now properly educated on sci-fi movie memorabilia, I’m sure the new owner is thrilled with his bargain — that collector must have wanted it like Ralphie wanted his Red Ryder air rifle.

And I hope Ellis is thrilled with his holiday spectacular of lights; otherwise, it’s too much like Della’s hair being sold to buy a chain for the watch her husband sold to get her a hairbrush.

We fast approach That Time Of Year again, wherein the whole world gets into The Spirit, you step in goodwill everywhere you walk, and Santa threatens to outdo us all. It’s so easy to become dispirited when everyone’s telling you to BE SPIRITED DAMMIT, but then again, I’ve always had a problem with obeying the masses. If everyone jumped off of a building, I’d be the one trying to jump onto it.

One thing I have continued to enjoy this year has been the weeks of Christmas-related TV viewing leading up to the holiday, even if it fails to move me, since I’m more apt to enjoy being semi-attentive towards TV specials than putting on a DVD that I feel obligated to watch. Still, if you’re having any kind of holiday festivities, and you’ve run out of eclectic holiday tunes and gone through your liberating libations, one always has the mighty Plan B of the television’s unique brand of spirit.

Aside from the offbeat classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas (which should be an annual essential anyhow), I like my Christmas to be mixed with a fair amount of science, and sometimes, Satan. Just how I like my women. The following films are public domain - so you can find reasonably clear copies on DVD for about 3 bucks each. I went through a binge on exceptionally bad, cheap movie from DVDPacific a few years ago that neither myself, nor the world, has recovered from. It’s one of my bigger weaknesses.

The first of these gloriously disastrous films is simply titled ‘Santa Claus’, though I like to call it ‘Santa Claus, His Pal Merlin and Maybe Some Kids Vs. Satan’. Produced in Mexico in 1959 (and seeing a very limited US release, for reasons that become obvious when you watch it), the film has been dubbed into convenient English for our enjoyment. When a film begins with Santa overexcitedly playing on an organ as he ogles a ten-minute sequence of disinterested kids from around the world singing their native songs, you know you’re in for a treat. For the record, our native US song is ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’, and we all wear cowboy hats and play guitars. The best strategy to deploy this movie on the unsuspecting is to just put it on and allow them to be bored to tears for ten minutes, so when minute twelve rolls around, and an explosion of devils swarms across the screen, they question their own existence and / or sobriety.

This interpretation of Santa’s lab (on a satellite, in a crystal castle) has some of the creepiest, anthropomorphic technology that anyone could imagine, including eyes on stalks and giant, soft mouths stuck in the walls. The sight of these alone are worth the three bucks you paid to own this film, for all eternity, whether you like it or not. The definition of ‘family film’ has changed a whole heck of a lot, and the ‘1.9 out of 10’ rating on IMDB speaks for itself. My Westlake Entertainment version of the DVD has almost no restoration done to it, so all of the specks and rips and hairs are still all over the print - but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m not really watching this to see Satan’s hi-def horns relocate themselves on his head between shots.

More well-known in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, which has a giant robot named Torg.

You need more than ‘it has a giant robot named Torg’ to be convinced? Have we learned nothing from my time here?

How about lines like ‘It is the middle of Septober!’ Is that the best made-up Martian month you can come up with, guys? I suppose that it’s not much of a surprise when your boy Martian is named Bomar, your girl Martian is named Girmar, your mother Martian is named Momar and your King Martian? You guessed it - Kimar. Santa’s joyful obliviousness as himself and some kids are going to get launched into the icy vacuum of space is almost Kafkaesque in scope, and Kimar the Martian is a serious, dangerous cross between John Wayne and Phil Hartman. As bad sci-fi flicks go, it’s pretty well written and acted with such overenthusiastic abandon that you have no choice but to enjoy it.

And, you can watch it IN FULL right here. You’re welcome.

They’re only a small part of the holiday shelf, which includes a good amount of Christmas-themed TV show episodes, from Futurama to Millennium and X-Files, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and beyond. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched an undead Santa with soccer-ball skin deliver toys.

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