statues

No, they’re not action figures, they’re Sport Star Statues. Eight inches tall, they feature such sport legends that only last names are needed for identification. (Apparently, the guy selling them was also equally famous for you send your $2.98 to “Manny”.)

Wooden Polly Dolls: Reproductions of an antique doll — for a whopping $15! (This has to be for the ritzy folks!)

Christmas shelf-sitting trolls. Like those elves we all love, only more for the bingo-going crowd. At just $1 for a pair, I wonder why I haven’t yet had the pleasure of seeing such dolls at thrift stores…

What could be more luxurious than putting cocoa on your face? Hershey’s cocoa and all-vegetable oil! I don’t think they should have sold this in a box and called them ‘cakes’ of soap… Me thinketh quite a few of these were mistaken for a box of chocolates…

Ah, pocket handwarmers. I spy these in huge numbers at rummage sales & given my cold mid-west climate, I’ve always wondered why I don’t grab one… Oh yeah, the notion of pockets full of lighter fluid which are supposed to keep you warm – without a flame? My (cold) tukus! Well, then again, you can burn $5 without a flame buy purchasing one of these babies and warm a heart at holiday time. (Incidentally, they run about the same price at thrift stores, yard sales and even antique shops now.)

Put your own photo on a puzzle — in the 60’s?! Hey, if the technology’s been around that long, why doesn’t it still only cost us a buck or two?

Gads, my BFF in high school, Mary, her dad had one of these. Green foam with lines, yippie! Boy we made fun of that. …Or maybe it was the white patent leather shoes and matching belt? If this game helped improve skill and wit, I wonder how much her dad started with?

I knew folks were drinking plenty of wine in the 60’s (you had to wash your uppers down with something), but making it themselves? I thought only hippies did that — and with their feet yet. But for less than $10 you can get this kit and make 25 bottles of wine. I have no idea if that’s cheaper than the 25 bottles of store-bought wine… But hey, if it’s a gift, they got it for free.

Can you really put a price on what mom does? Well, at holiday you need to, so spend $1.25 and get her this rooster kitchen gadget. The rooster egg timer is a thoughtful gift which reminds mom that she’s best stop ironing now and bring you your egg, damnit!

For some reason, there are far more dolls and girly ads in the classified section. Perhaps it’s because moms can scan and shop while the egg timer’s running? Here are two gems for girls.

An advertisement for Barbie and her “crew-cut boyfriend” Ken. Somehow, that just sounds mocking. But hey, Babs did eventually dump the dude. This ad tells the shopper to find the “Fashion Paks” at major stores. (Hey, mom needs to get a refill of doctor approved uppers at the pharmacy anyway.)

The next girls toy ad is for Singer’s Trimhandy. This toy looks like a sewing machine, but cuts paper instead. I don’t know if it will “stir” and interest in sewing or not, but it should teach any member of the nursery set to keep their fingers clear of the up-and-down thingy on any similar looking item.

These duck decoys are for decorative purposes only & it is advised that you turn them into “lamps, bookends, etc.” I guess that’s the company’s way of saying they won’t fool anyone, let alone a duck. But, when you’re desperate for a gift for Uncle Simon, well, here ya go.

I saved this one for last because it surprised me. The Sound Conditioner by C. P. Electronics is a “transistorized, batter-powered electronic instrument which creates a tranquil environment for the subconscious mind.” Dude, that’s a white noise machine! Or maybe it sounded like ocean waves or something… Anyway, it’s an ad for something I didn’t think existed until the 80’s — and in true psychedelic 60’s fashion, it uses the word “subconscious”. Dude! Psychedelic + Subconscious + Transistorized = $88. In 1965 dollars that must have been mind blowing all on its own.

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As it turns out, January 8th was probably one of the High Holy Music Holidays, if you’re the sacrilegious type. Such a day would likely be celebrated by mildly obscene gyrations and a liberal application of glittery eye makeup. Why? Because it’s the shared birth date of two of music’s greatest revolutionaries – Elvis Presley and David Bowie. Sure, Stephen Hawking shares the same birth date, but I’ve never seen HIM strum a quantum singularity and make the ladies weep. Elvis would be 72.

Elvis, as Deanna has mentioned once before, is probably one of the most collected human beings in history (or else why would they make this Elvis Collecting Software?), with many rooms across the US (often owned by eclectic older ladies wearing airbrushed Elvis sweatshirts, making sporadic appearances on morning shows on slow days) festooned with photographs, rare signatures, framed LPs and sheets of stamps displayed on walls, and perhaps a shred of precious Elvis-DNA dusted fabric in a glass case. He’s one of the closest things that us mortals has to a deity – a horde of people utterly in his sway, and apparently living long beyond his natural life. You know, if you’re to believe the off-kilter propaganda and the grassy-knoll-style hunt for clues to contradict that Elvis Presley was, in fact, made of skin and bones and methamphetamines.

Genuine artifacts from within his lifetime, which are rare or in well-guarded private collections, can fetch ridiculous amounts of money and publicity. In March 2005, eBay saw a copy of Elvis’ ‘Milk Cow Blues Boogie‘ 78 sell for about $2400, and a single 1956 trading card from Topps sold for about $1500. Items that were actually in contact with Elvis can apparently deflect bullets and give the possessor the ability to conjure obedient dinosaurs from beneath the Earth’s crust. I mean, they’re not usually obedient, but as soon as they see that you’ve got a swatch of Elvis’ outfit from Jailhouse Rock, they’re gonna listen. Such is the power of Elvis.

A worn belt? $66,000. A chest x-ray? $2500. It’s the divide between appreciating a celebrity for their talent and wanting to posses an actual piece of the being that was the holder of that talent.

Those things which were produced after his death still seem to be quite collectible, with every scrap of Elvis-related memorabilia adding to the collected energy of that not-so-secret shrine you’ve been building in the upstairs guest bedroom. McFarlane Toys produced a whole series of Elvis mini-statues, detailing his appearances in various stages of his life and in films. Also, of course, was the senses-shattering fat Elvis vs. skinny Elvis stamp debate of 1992.

It’s kind of difficult to determine where to begin and where to end when collecting celebrity paraphernalia. Does it theoretically start with magazine clippings and end with toenail clippings? CQ bloggers have mentioned this before, but man, does it get creepier than that.

Does one need a genuine artifact from Cynthia Plaster Caster? You can look that up yourself. I’m not touching it. Literally. It was Piero Manzoni who actually canned his own… leavings…. and sold them to art buyers at the same cost as the value of gold. He’s quoted as saying, “If collectors really want something intimate, really personal to the artist, there’s the artist’s own s***”, and he’s not entirely incorrect. And yes, people have installed devices in celebrity hotel bathrooms to capture such artifacts.

Nevertheless, Elvis festoons everything, everywhere, for all time. I’m barely aware of Elvis in my daily life, and yet, in a casual perusal of my hideously overcluttered and potentially dangerous room, I’ve come across two Elvis items that I don’t even remember collecting… like some unseen force in the Elvis Conspiracy is slipping these things into everyday situations to preserve the presence and mystery of The Sacred Elvis. Of course, I have the Jailhouse Rock action statue (5th in an ongoing series that has 6, so far), and the Gail Brewer-Giorgio book, ‘Is Elvis Alive?‘, which presents an Elvis-is-alive theory based on a certain audiotape confession made in 1981. This theory seems far more rational than the alternative ones that involve time travel, alien interventions and subterranean kingdoms, but still – very difficult to take seriously. I think if you looked hard enough, you might find very palpable proof that I’m the Indefatigable Queen of Venus (the least of which is my old screen name, VenusQueen4EVA).

If I came across Elvis inspecting a pineapple at the grocery store? If he said hello to me while I stared curiously at him? Yeah, I’d probably go weak-kneed and rush off to the cereal aisle to gather myself, stumbling over the Count Chocula display on the way – and I’m not even an Elvis fan. I tried to be, but probably not hard enough. Secretly, you’d think it was awesome too.

I always enjoy gardens that have a little surprise in them – something unexpected and unique that draws the eye. While the terra cotta pot always looks classically pretty in a garden, an old boot brimming with colorful flowers is going to catch attention.

I once saw an old wooden wagon, the kind that used to be pulled through the streets by horses, filled with flowerpots with fuchsia blooms cascading down the sides – what a visual impact! There are oodles of fun and whimsical garden containers and ornaments waiting to be discovered at garage sales, antique shops, thrift stores, flea markets or even your attic. Basically if you can put dirt in it, it can be a planter. When making a planter fill the object with soil and poke a hole in it for drainage if needed. If necessary, in a loosely woven wicker basket, for example, line the object first with plastic with holes poked in it. Of course it goes without saying that the planter will take a beating from being left out in the elements so don’t use anything you value. Try planting flowers in an old wooden toolbox. Paint an old metal sap bucket in a bright color, use a hammer and nail to tap a hole in the bottom for drainage, and fill it with pansies. Find a new use for a metal watering can by using it as a flower container.

Other ideas:

• Use a lidless teapot or a teacup.
• Old copper pots and pans
• Roller skates or stilletto heels
• Pretty handbags

Garden ornaments, such as the traditional statues and sundials, are purely decorative. An old fashioned red bicycle makes a great garden ornament, and you can attach a bicycle basket to the front and fill it with flowers. A wooden farmhouse kitchen chair with paint peeling from it looks charming and a pot of flowers can be displayed on the seat. If you find a chair with a broken cane seat, place a pot of flowers through the hole in the cane and set it out in the garden.

More ideas for ornaments:

• Lean a wagon wheel against a tree
• Plant a wheelbarrow with flowers
• Use a weathered sled

With a lot of imagination and a few bucks, you too can have a one-of-a-kind, whimsical garden that’s sure to attract attention!

So, it’s pretty much generally agreed upon that action figures are awesome, and if you don’t agree, I’ll meet you behind the cafeteria after school and we’ll settle it once and for all. They represent interesting characters, they’re posable, and you can play with them. So, what do you do when you want to bring these same characters into a world where you don’t have to look at unsightly cut-joints and generic factory paint jobs? When you want a finely crafted sculpture of your favorite character? Why, you make your own!

There are a variety of companies who make outstanding full-body statues of heroic characters, but these usually sell for hundreds of dollars. You might not want to put off buying dinner for a few nights just so you can have a sculptural representation of The Thing poised neatly between your Hummel figurines, though I venture there’s nothing that deserves clobbering much more than Hummel figurines. The other option is to purchase a kit to make your own superhero, with your own colors and craftsmanship. If you assemble it well, it will completely defy anything that you can purchase pre-made.

While the world of hobby models is dominated by vehicles and inappropriate anime girls, there’s a small and exciting section of super hero model kits that have been mass-produced primarily by Toy Biz and Horizon. Cast from inexpensive vinyl, they present a much more economical and fun way to display various comic characters. Both companies no longer produce these models, but the Toy Biz models are still fairly easy to find at very cheap prices, and there’s an interesting (and very possibly illegal) overseas market that produces duplicates the Horizon models.

The Toy Biz models focus on Marvel Characters that are in a scale which matches most action figures, about 7 or 8 inches tall. They’re generally regarded as cheap and flimsy, but I’m of the school of thought that if you’re going to get a model kit, you’re going to have to do a LOT of work to make it look good. These models have some great, dynamic poses and come with small dioramas to place them in, and if you assemble them right, you’ll never be able to even tell that they’re made of cheap plastic. There are various ways to make the models feel less hollow, but from a visual standpoint, they’re solid.

Horizon models, on the other hand, are seen as much higher quality materials. They’re made of solid parts, and in a larger 1/6th scale also, meaning that a character who is six or seven feet tall in the comics will be about a foot tall in model form. The poses aren’t quite as fluid and exciting as the Toy Biz stuff, but the range of characters is wider, and the larger models are more formidable in appearance and generally easier to assemble. Original Horizon model kits can reach some high prices, but a quick eBay search for ‘vinyl model kits‘ will result in hundreds of auctions in Asian countries for startlingly similar models. These are called ‘re-casts’, which an individual or small copyright-be-damned company has taken an original model kit and reproduced it by making their OWN molds from the pieces in the kit. They’re usually not perfect and will have many more flaws than the official kit, and may suffer from warping and bubbling, but there’s no damage that can’t be repaired with some skillful hands, a hair dryer and some putty. They will not come with instructions, and will probably just be bagged in plastic with a blurry photo of what the final model SHOULD look like, so there’s always a risk of getting an inferior product.

The vinyl model kits will take many hours of assembly and a good variety of equipment, ranging from cyanoacrylate glue to razors, paintbrushes and paints, clamps and an absurd amount of patience, but to transform something from cheap, bright plastic into a smooth work of art is a powerful feeling. There are many online tutorials to guide you through, as well as tricks that you’ll figure out along the way, and in the end, you’ll have a unique piece to add to your collection. You can also occasionally purchase completed model kits, which again reach into the hundred-dollar range if they’re assembled well.

I find them to be exceptionally thrilling, so I recently imported ten Horizon re-casts from Asia for about one hundred bucks plus shipping, all of which appear to be of solid quality. Sure, I don’t exactly have the time or space to set up a foot-tall, hand-painted Iron Man right now, but when I do, he’ll totally kick your butt.