Train Wrecks on Vinyl
10.22.07By Derek DahlsadMost people appreciate the vocals of the finalists on American Idol, but we all know, deep down inside, that the horrible, toneless singers who attend the auditions are the more entertaining. People without the sense to recognize their own lack of talent are comedy gold. YouTube’s got them, they were the antidote to crotch-hits on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and every talent-based reality today uses them as bread-and-butter of their ‘hook the audience’ first few weeks. But, what did they have in the old days?To tell the truth, they still had “reality shows” without calling them “reality shows”. There have been variants on The Gong Show and Star Search going back for years, into the early days of radio when the day’s programming was often filled with whoever you could get to come in to the studio for an hour. While amateurs might not have always made it to the big-time, there’s always been the chance to be seen. And even then, you know, there were a couple ways to break through despite their “talent”…
Our first example is one of the most famous among our audience. Mrs. Elva Miller, a 59-year-old grandmother, shocked the
sixties by releasing an album. No, she wasn’t profound or talented, except for a profound lack of talent. If you’re a musician who wondered if a ‘friend-of-a-friend” in the music business helps, Mrs. Miller is a prime example. Having had a personal recording leaked to Capital Records by friends, she ended up in the studio, producing her first album: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits. Depending on where you read, she was either in on the joke, or caught on soon after. Her singing peaks off the ’so bad you have to hear it’ scale — Radioman Gary Owens (yes, that one) called her “the most interesting new voice for your record collection.” Her fame — selling hundreds of thousands of records in weeks — got her on Ed Sullivan, a fan following, and several more records. Click Here to listen to her take on These Boots Are Made For Walking, that Nancy Sinatra song that’s just one step above spoken word and a favorite of drunk karaoke singers for its simplicity. Her first album, including covers of several 60s pop and rock hits, is quite common, but the later albums dwindle in print-runs. Her ‘drug-culture’ album, Mrs. Miller Does Her Thing, appears quite rare.
Being already famous helps — as both Star Trek stars, William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy proved. Both released their own albums in the 60s and 70s, experimental fare — spoken-word interpretations of pop songs from the former, a catchy but bizarre song about a hobbit from the latter — received mixed responses, but both ended up with cult followings of their own. Although Nimoy put out more albums, Shatner was more, er, “successful”, when his performances from The Transformed Man became a running gag seen everywhere from the MTV Music Awards to Family Guy. Amazingly, Shatner was fine-tuning his gig: twenty years later, with a talented crew of musicians aiding him, he released the excellent and critically-acclaimed album Has Been. Vinyl copies of The Transformed Man turn up for sale from time to time, but are not particularly common.
If you haven’t got friends in the business, you could always buy your way to the top. Self-published musicians are probably the most common vinyl train-wrecks, ranging from bad lounge acts trying to promote themselves, to untalented hacks who think they just need to get ‘out there’ and their fame will follow. My collection has numerous examples — if I go to Google and the musician’s names turn up bupkus, then I know I probably have a winner! If you’ve got deep pockets, you could take the route of Dora Hall. Mrs Hall, a grandmother like Mrs. Miller, had the might and power of the Solo Paper Cup company behind her, financing several albums, and even several musical television specials. While Hall isn’t overtly untalented, most people will recognize that giving this lady her own TV specials may have been setting her up for ridicule. Here, have a listen to Mrs. Hall’s work: Click here to listen to Hotel Happiness, from her “Remember” album. I’ll give her credit, though: her version off the earlier album Singin’ In The Sunshine is actually better than this one. Because Hall’s albums were 
often giveaways with purchases of Solo cups, they’re all over the place and nobody much is saving them…except me, of course.
Like Mrs. Miller and Shatner, Hall has her detractors and supporters. It all depends on what you’re looking for: you don’t watch the first three weeks of American Idol for talent — you’re looking to be entertained. And, by crumb, depending on your sense of humor, a little talentless music can hit the spot. My wifey, however, doesn’t quite agree with me. I had Dora Hall’s “Remember” album on the record player one afternoon. D went out for a very long smoke break; when she returned, I asked if she wanted be to start the record over for her, so she could hear what she missed. Boy, the daggers her eyes shot me were worth it. These old records are just plain fun, no matter how you look at them.
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