ebay

As collectors, we’ll often have the need to sell stuff just to make room for even better stuff. It’s just a fact of acquisition.

After an especially troublesome incident last year in which a $500 item arrived broken in Germany, and my PayPal account was decimated by an overzealous and anxious collector, I vowed to never, ever sell overseas again. In fact, I spent half a year just avoiding eBay entirely after that, as if I were deeply, emotionally wounded. eBay had crippled themselves by changing too many rules too rapidly, and I always came out on the short end of the deal when it came to dealing with entitled buyers overseas. I understand that there is tension when there is money at stake, but my enormous feedback rating should be more than enough to quell any suspicions of my intent. I just want to sell crap to make room for more robots and Batman, guys.

I began to include a statement in all of my auctions which states that I do not ship internationally. Certain countries don’t have postal services that can be relied on, and I am unwilling to take the financial brunt of this ineptitude. Of course, I get questions during just about every auction I list asking if I’ll ship to Bulgravia or to New Porkinghamshire, and like a fool, I usually say yes. At best, I’ll attract one extra bidder to amp up the final price of my item a little more, and at worst, I’ll have to fill out complicated customs forms and swallow a whole lot of annoyance from a system that’s practically broken when it comes to protecting the seller against international fraud – and there’s a lot of it. Somewhere over the vast ocean between here and everywhere else is this force that just screws everything up.

The most telling trait of a person who will be an issue is that they will send multiple e-mails in rapid succession, all asking tiny questions about issues that the auction’s description has already answered, or if the item is really, truly as you described it. Really? There’s no dust? Has it ever been near someone named Lloyd? I’m sure you kicked it after you took that photograph, so don’t lie to me. It’s these neuroses that bleed into just about everything they do. During my most recent encounter, I sold a $100 set of action figures to a guy in China with a penchant for asking lots of stupid questions.

After the auction closed, he gave me his address – but completely in Chinese characters. Of course, these are useless when filling out the extensive US customs form, and the package would never make it out of the states in one piece. So, I asked for his address in English.

Because of a language barrier, the buyer transposed the number of his building with the number of his room. So, three weeks later, when the package did not arrive, I tracked it to find that his local post had attempted to deliver it to a building that did not exist, based on the instructions that he gave me. This is when he suddenly started a PayPal claim against me. For shipping to an incorrect address. That he gave me.

Anyone who has been through one of these ‘claims’ knows that they are a complete pain. PayPal immediately puts the disputed amount of money ‘on hold’, and drains it from your account. If you do not have enough money, they leave you with a negative balance. This also means that if you intend on purchasing anything via PayPal, you will need to pay for the item in full, plus your negative balance if you want a transaction to go through at all. And, of course, in a fashion that matches the type of luck that I have, this all arose only moments before a very important, limited pre-order went up which I had been awaiting for two weeks, and could only be purchased via PayPal.

It is worth noting that the Post Office is currently trying to digitize as much of the mailing process as they possibly can, and all customs forms should now be filled out online. This avoids a good deal of hassle and the possible ambiguity of information, but the USPS website is also broken about half of the time which I attempt to use it, with sections randomly just not working, and at least a dozen times when my zip code spontaneously vanished from this mortal plane. My town might feel like that, and now I had proof. It was during one of these frequent and mysterious outages that this package needed to be sent, which did not help any. And don’t try clicking on ‘Live Chat Help’ at the USPS website either – it’s basically a non-functional image that leads nowhere. Very funny, Post Office.

While I’m not saying that you should never ship anything internationally, be careful of those people who ask a ton of questions, and if you have any doubt, just say no. Once your collectibles leave the relatively regimented US Postal Service, there is no guarantee for their safety.

After all of this, the buyer continued to ask questions about resolving the issue of the missing items, which he still wants, and are now being sent back to me, apparently. My answer?

“You stated a PayPal claim. Let them deal with it, moron.”

The reported ‘slow demise of eBay‘ precipitated by their constantly changing terms and their unfriendliness to casual stuff-sellers, coupled with the entitled attitude that many bidders are taking with me personally lately, is really just killing the whole ‘Bay scene for me. Buyers, I understand that the economy isn’t golden, and that your money is more precious to you than air or brains, but trust me – my 100% positive feedback isn’t going to Madoff you. I think that I might need to start putting an addendum into my auctions, right after the ‘no returns’ note : “Hey, also don’t be a flippin’ jerk”.

In my own economically-driven slimming down, eBay remains a necessity.  Dropping a stack of rare, sealed action figures at garage sale priced at their expected $100+ values would only result in derision and sadness.

The worst part about dealing with eBay jerks? eBay no longer allows you to even leave negative feedback for a buyer, thus preventing you from alerting other sellers to what they might have to deal with, and allowing troublesome buyers to run roughshod over you as a seller without facing any repercussions. If you’re unfortunate enough to encounter a non-paying bidder, you must wait for over two weeks to relist your item, since the transaction cannot be officially closed until 15 days after the end of the auction – even if it’s very obvious that Jerkface456 has no intention of paying you, and has COMPLETELY ignored the urgency with which you listed that Iron Man Mighty Mugg figure. I have a schedule, people.

It’s enough to end the entire experience for me – but I also can’t live without it. Most of the stuff I’ve purchased I’ve purchased with the caveat of ‘well, I can always sell it on eBay later and recoup my losses’, but lately, some buyers are just making it impossible. As a buyer, I can say this.

Take, for example, a recent bidder from Spain who hammered me with nine rapid-fire questions sent within minutes of each other which could have been asked in a singular e-mail. He proceeded to ask more questions about the quality of the item after the auction was over, and then decided to change the address that he wanted the item shipped to – to a location 800 miles away from the original destination – after he’d paid for shipping charges to his original location. Of course, my geographical ignorance didn’t realize that the package would cost an addition $20 to send.

“what is the shipping price to spain?”

“what is the price of the insurance to spain?”

“the color of the statue is good?”

“is easy to take out the dust of the statue?”

At some point during this, I had to make an emergency trip to the ER to get my foot patched up after accidentally putting a screw through it – incidentally, WHILE I was packing up his item. I had to stay off of my feet and medicated for a few days, and I explained this to the anxious buyer. Who didn’t give a flip.

“please!, in the moment when you put the box in the post office, tell it me. please try to put it tomorrow, i need it.”

“it will be possible to change the shipping address now? on april 2 i will go in a holidays 1 week and i want to take the statue with me to make a gift. If i give you the address to wich i go on holidays i will win a few days and it is possible that this one comes while there. if you cant do it it doesnt motter.”

“what have you done finally?”

I’m not a vengeful person, but I hope that he has to pay serious import fees when this thing arrives because of how I filled out the customs form. Someone’s going to get that $20 out of him.

Finally,

“in addition a finger of the statue has come broken”

Were this buyer not a jerk the whole time, I would have followed up on his insurance claim as USPS.com outlines. However, the regulations also state that the addressee can deal with the mess – so, of course, I gave him the web address with a hearty ‘GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!’, and called it a day.

The buyer can effectively tell you that your mother is a malodorous, obese woman and has recently taken liberties with your sister, who is apparently of ill-repute – and all you can do is smile. Since eBay makes all of its money from sellers, not buyers, it’s this alienation that has recently made the whole environment more work that it’s worth for many sellers. Through over 600 positive feedbacks, I’ve never had more problems than during these past few months.

The last straw hit me this morning, when I actually had a buyer accuse me of deception because I posted an image of a sealed King Grayskull action figure box – when he wanted to see the figure inside. Forget that the auction’s description says exactly what’s inside, that the item came in a sealed outer box, and that anyone buying the item would easily put two and two together.

“this is the regular version and not the bronze or translucent blue one correct? It seems a little deceiving that you did not take a picture of the figure with the flap down so i wanted to make sure before i purchased it from you. “

I responded.

“I have stated directly in the auction : “Item is regular version”. If you feel like you are being deceived, or are unwilling to read the actual item description, do not bid. I also will not ask if King Grayskull enjoys long walks on the beach, the music of Willie Nelson, or Italian cuisine, as I feel that these are steps that you two need to take personally if you wish to pursue a meaningful relationship. I have photographed the item to show that the outer box is in tact, as I received it.”

Perhaps it is I who is the eBay jerk, but I still remain hesitant to list anything on eBay because of these policy changes. It’s a disappointing change in the tides for the casual seller, but here’s the thing, jerk buyers : I don’t need your money as much as you need to fulfill your lust for what I have. I know, because I’m one of you too – I just have a healthy respect for those I interact with. There’ll be dozens of you, and there’s just one of what I have.

So play nice, because I bite back, and I don’t care.

I’ve been an eBay seller (and buyer) since eBay was still a nascent internet creature, and I’ve maintained a nigh-perfect, casually growing rating since day one. I know my way around an auction, how to take informative photographs and how to fill an auction description with anything you’d need to know to make an informed decision about a purchase.

Well, I thought so.

Because of recent economical events and a severe pay cut at work, I was forced to sell off some extra toys and figures that I’d rather keep. Alas, this is the way that things are – collections shift and change, others are born in their wake that fit your changing lifestyle a little more comfortably. I’ll always have a collection of SOMETHING, even if I have to part with my fancy statues to pay the bills. So, perhaps this is why I’ve been feeling a little contentious with some of the buyers of my precious items.

I listed an extra, still-in-package Batman figure on eBay. Being from Mattel’s DC Universe Classics line, I was aware that this particular collection of toys (though generally pretty amazing) is known to have an unprecedented number of paint and construction issues – from smeared, blotchy faces to torsos that are assembled with two left legs. Because of these flaws, I can understand an eBay buyer being a little cautious about buying a figure sight unseen. Still, I was unprepared for the awkwardly phrased question that I received, reposted here verbatim.

“condition of the following: case: dents/creases/holes/hanger hook untouched or pulled up/corners bent/logo in place horizontal/never been opened/etc figure: all pieces intact and there/scratches/discolored/”

Now, that’s a lot of details to inspect and report back on, and some of them were already answered by the auction description and the clear item photo that I provided. I was not even asked politely, honestly, and I’m usually happy to answer any inquiry sent my way. Not this time, Buyer X.

There are professional grading services that deal exclusively with action figures who will inspect these details, carefully package your toy in a protective case, and assign it a value based on the condition of the untouched figure and the item’s packaging. Being a toy opener and have-fun-with-er, I think that the whole AFA grading system is a bit of a scam to artificially inflate the value of things for the neurotic, but I also accept that everyone collects with their own motivations and reasons – investment with the hopes of a financial return being one of them.

But if you’re collecting with such a specific list of pristine figural needs as the above buyer, and for an item that was selling for a mere $30 from very part-time eBay seller, your needs probably extend beyond that which I can intelligently provide. Buyer X was practically asking for a figure that had never touched… well, anything. Ever. I responded. Hastily, perhaps.

“I am not a professional grader. Item is sold as is – seems fine to me. If you want one that has been painted by the pope and carried directly from the factory by the delicate hands of angels : no, I cannot provide that.”

Okay, so that might be really unprofessional – but it happened, and I don’t regret it. The item sold a few hours later to a different bidder anyhow, so nothing lost to the wrath of my razor tongue.

I asked my fellow toy collectors what they thought of the weird barrage of questions and my response, since many have regular interactions on eBay. The general response was that buyers like the one that I was dealing with were usually too high maintenance to really be worth the effort for small ticket items, and that steering them away to a different seller was the best course of action. Even upon receipt of the item, they’d invariably notice some imperceptible flaw and the battle would rage on. There was, however, an exceptionally hostile response directed towards me regarding this topic – posted anonymously, and again reposted here verbatim.

“Not only are you being unnecessarily sensitive, you are being a total ass. Your response to this potential buyer proves it. If it’s not worth your time, then get the hell off of Ebay. We don’t need you and we don’t want you on there. There’s plenty of other Sellers who are patient, polite, and work diligently to make their buyers happy. Go work at Taco Bell if you need cash, you disrespectful punk.”

Well. While I didn’t participate in the discussion after this point, it degraded quickly into a list of profanities and assumptions about various posters’ mothers and / or sisters, and a list of biological locations into which said toys could apparently be roughly placed. The consensus remained, however, that this mess of a question was unusual, and had remedies that could be provided only by AFA.

As an eBay seller, where does your responsibility begin and end? Unless you are a professional eBay seller or collection assessor, I think that the logical answer is to remain completely honest and do the best that you can. Inspecting an action figure for scratches and aligned logos without removing it from its protective package is simply beyond my natural abilities, and it falls outside of my realm of concern.

Especially when I’m only getting $30 for the hunk of plastic. When it comes to toys, sometimes you need to remember to have fun.

Well, he could have been, and you could have scored his carcass through eBay, where all disreputable carcasses can be purchased for a modest fee.

You might recall the widely-reported ‘discovery’ of Bigfoot some months ago, and the promises of videos and big reveals and scientific amazingness spread across the evening news like so much butter across a hairy, Bigfoot-shaped muffin…. and then the subsequent (and completely predictable) revelation that the Bigfoot in question was not a real Bigfoot, but instead a big ol’ hoax made of a Halloween costume and animal entrails frozen in a block of ice. An artifact that once had enormous scientific value was reduced to an apparently worthless mess, and I don’t think that anyone was seriously disappointed – except for the hoaxster who lost his job in law enforcement for the deception.

And then the whole thing ended up on eBay.

There are collectors and institutions who have a special place for the supernatural and pseudo-supernatural – potato chips that bear the face of Jesus, things that remotely resemble meteorites, alien artifacts – all of these things, as unverifiable as they are, have fetched some pretty high prices.

The fake Bigfoot is no exception. Having gained some modicum of pop culture notoriety and entering mass awareness, the Bigfoot became a completely different kind of unique artifact. It was no longer a scientific, biological entity, but had easily transformed into an anthropological statement about our modern society. Strangely, the latter kind of artifact can often prove more valuable than the prior.

The whole ordeal brings to mind the Cardiff Giant hoax from about 140 years earlier, in which a petrified, 10-foot tall ‘man’ was put on display at various locations and advertised as a biblical humanoid, straight from the book of Genesis. Of course, the petrified Giant was nothing more than a limestone sculpture, but even after a judge ruled that the Giant was a fake (unless the Giant were willing to testify in favor of his own veracity), it continued to travel and be put on display, presumably so further audiences could draw their own conclusions, or gawk at the obvious forgery that fooled so many before them. The Cardiff Giant remains on display in Cooperstown, NY today.

Of course, none of the original witnesses of the Cardiff Giant lived in today’s litigious society. The Bigfoot hoaxsters were hit with lawsuits for a variety of reasons, and the legal fees began to mount – which is why Bigfoot ended up on eBay.

The auction itself is a spectacle worthy of P.T. Barnum himself (who once rented the Cardiff Giant and secretly made a copy of it for his own profit, creating a kind of meta-hoax). The auction’s description astutely tells us that one of the primary reasons that this item is ‘important to the world’ is that it might be observed closely to prevent such a hoax from ever happening again, which is kind of like lighting your house on fire so that you’ll know what it looks like when it actually happens. Also, the auction states, Halloween is coming. You know, in case you want to, like, chuck him on the lawn to scare the kids. This is a bigfoot that covers all of the bases, and even comes hand-delivered by his creators.

With a closing bid of over $250,000 after over 100 bids, Bigfoot’s a pretty solid example of the strangeness of what we might value, but I think that little bit of strangeness is what exists at the core of every collector. And to the winning Bigfoot bidder, I totally have a coffee cup that Bigfoot left in my yard last Saturday. Drop me a line.

My best eBay find of all time was a set of six Silver Age DC Comics mini-busts, for a little over 30 bucks. For about the same price, Dr. Richard Harrington found a 50 million year old insect that no one had previously identified.

He wins. This time.

As a testament to the unknown science and/or magic that exists around us every day, the VP of the Royal Entomological Society seems to have bought the amber-encased insect on a whim. One doesn’t usually expect to make any significant scientific breakthroughs via eBay – I mean, unless the seller has some pretty incredible feedback – since eBay is usually reserved for neat additions to collections and electronic bits to repair other electronic bits.

The aphid was purchased from a seller in Lithuania, who was none the wiser about what he possessed. It seems that the chunk of eBay amber wasn’t originally marked for science, as it was honed down into a jewelry-friendly shape, about the size of an aspirin. It’s entirely possible that this unique specimen adorned many a finger or was pinned to the front of a few dresses before it finally was rescued from fashion by science. As an amateur bug enthusiast, this is all fascinating for me. Not unlike a coin collector finding a rare striking in his change from Wal-Mart, this is unexpected and delightful. While there’s no financial gain from Harrington’s discovery, the real prize is far more awesome : the aphid is now named after him.

Of course, he’d originally wanted to christen the aphid “Mindarus ebayi”, but refrained when he figured that the scientific community might not appreciate such a clever name. It wouldn’t be the first bit of nomenclature that referenced something outside of the biological world; the list of beasts named after Tolkien creatures is extensive, and the list of ‘pun’ names is longer. Just ask the Notamacropus – named just so to indicate that it is not, indeed, a Macropus – or the Abra Cadabra, an unassuming clam (which was later renamed something far less silly). Funnier yet is the Turbo, a snail.

The Ichabodcraniosaurus Novacek, by the way, was found without a head.

I live in the Hudson River Valley, and I usually find myself wondering how far I’d have to dig in my backyard to turn up a musket shell or, even better, a femur. Do I have a coin in my change cup worth ten thousand times its face value? Every so often, I pull a forgotten action figure out of the back of my closet, identify it, and discover it’s worth over $100 – which is far less interesting than that Ming vase or lost Van Gogh that one occasionally pulls down from behind the winter coats in the attic and drags out to the garage sale.

So, congrats to Dr. Harrington for his inquisitiveness, finding science in the everyday and everywhere, and moving science forward with his Mindarus harringtoni. I’m off to dig in the backyard.