Too Many Christmas Albums

Every box of records I’ve ever found at a tag sale, or a Goodwill, or a Salvation Army, or laid outside the library door like so many defenseless newborn kittens, has had at least a half dozen Christmas albums in it. And they make me recoil in horror. Sometimes, entire boxes brim with the beasts, and my disappointment is fairly obvious upon their discovery. It’s probably the gagging sounds.

It’s not as if I detest Christmas music, but its omnipresence between November 15th and January 10th of every year is enough to inspire revulsion. The typical Christmas radio fare is saccharine and overdramatic, with the most recent, manufactured singer belting out a Christmas classic as if their face is just one nanopascal away from complete explosion. What’s even better is when it’s a duet in which two incongruous singers try to out-belt each other with every verse, thereby damaging both of their credibilities at once. Bah, humbug. The only pair that could do that successfully was David Bowie and Bing Crosby, a feat of wonder which shall never be duplicated.

Somehow, I’ve let my distaste for ‘modern’ Christmas tunes infect all of my holiday cheer, so I can honestly say that I’ve never intentionally dropped a dime on any Christmas vinyl, ever – even though it unrelentingly presents itself to me at every turn for next-to-nothing prices. Unless it had ‘hi-fi’, ‘organ’ or ’space’ in the title, or somehow snuck by my angry judgment sensors unscathed, any holiday music that I have is purely accidental, and very likely mixed into larger crates of things I’d purchased. Recent inspections of these crates of records out in the garage has reveal that I’ve apparently been in about 40 accidents I didn’t even remember having. Ergo, my Christmas record collection is significant… and still largely unpleasant.

But only now do I realize that I might have passed up some real gems during this past summer’s yard sales – most specifically, two huge boxes of Christmas records that were being given away for a total of ten dollars – which I unwittingly passed up.

I only realized my error when I recently happened upon FaLaLaLaLa.com – a wonderful blog that collects this lost holiday vinyl, documents it, and even allows readers to download select tunes (or entire albums) from them. I’ve surely encountered quite a diverse smattering of these in my travels, but I’ve never thought to, like, APPRECIATE them. Of course, most of these encounters would have been under the golden, searing sun of mid-July, when Christmas couldn’t possibly be more distant or unattractive, so pardon my ignorance.

It seems that almost every recording artist is contractually obligated to record a Christmas album, or at least a single, at some point in their careers. The Beatles recorded 7 super-rare holiday flexi-discs for their British fan club members. The Beach Boys (and later, Brian Wilson solo), Elvis, Chicago, Jethro Tull, The Supremes, The Jackson Five, Rockapella, Bright Eyes, Mariah Carey, Don McLean, Aimee Mann, Twisted Sister, Air Supply, 2 Live Crew, and Chris Isaak are just a few of the diverse artists who’ve dedicated entire albums to the holidays, often lending their unique styles to classic songs, along with one or two original compositions. Hell, I’ve even contributed some especially bizarre and bad music to a Christmas compilation a few years back. No one is immune to the dreaded holiday spirit. Even Scrooge was swayed, eventually.

Of course, none of these compare to the genuinely warm and classic albums of Burl Ives, Vince Guaraldi and Bing Crosby, which will forever reign superior to all other Christmas albums. I can’t help but actually start to CARE about the holidays when these come over the speakers. I’ll copy some of THOSE albums for my grandparents this Christmas, instead of the god-awful Phantom soundtrack we’re forced to endure every year. By the way, a close fourth place album comes by way of Christmas Cocktails, from the Ultra-Lounge series of albums.

Of course, these aren’t nearly as interesting fare as the various Christmas concept albums out there. Of course, I’m a fan of the Star Wars Holiday Album, but strange concept albums like ‘Have a Jewish Christmas…?‘ (downloadable in full from FaLaLaLaLa) are always welcomed additions to the collection. Pair that with ‘Oy to the World’ by the Klezmonauts and you have a Christmas that appeals to a larger group of people than usual.

1994’s ‘Christmas in Luke’s Sex Shop’ is 2 Live Crew’s decidedly profane contribution to the vast collection of musical Christmas fare. Most of the songs on the album feature titles that are a bit too offensive or potentially controversial to even mention here – but I encourage you to seek it out on your own, at your own discretion. It can’t be worse that whatever Larry the Cable Guy and Mr. Cork have decided to destroy Christmas with. If you can point me to a genuinely funny Christmas song, I’ll gladly marry your least attractive daughter.

Of course, there are ten times as many alarming Christmas albums for children, including the 5-song CD single featuring a whole array of Shrek characters that causes me to hurriedly leave the house any time the kid decides to pop it into the CD player. I’m just grateful that we don’t have Pokemon Christmas Bash. One day I’ll get my revenge by torturing the household with 700 slightly different versions of Jingle Bells.

Of course, my own accidental collection of holiday records is another thing entirely. I’ll tell you more about it, and give you a listen, on Saturday.

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