The Wonderful World of Jerkies
11.14.07 By Collin DavidThere are exactly two kinds of food that you can sensibly collect without being in a constant danger of immediate decay, and subsequent hospital visits should you consume them after that point. The first of these two foods is wine, which only grows better with age, and is celebrated far and wide as one of life’s finer delicacies.
The second food falls on the opposite end of the edible spectrum, available at truck stops and gas stations and the Wal-Mart checkout line. I, of course, speak of jerky. Jerky does not improve with age, but it does have a far greater endurance than, say, a banana or sushi. Jerky is by its very nature designed to be portable in all conditions, compact, and full of vital energy for when you inevitably climb the Himalayas or try to colonize these vast United States. Oh, the need might not be immediate, but when nature reclaims its landscapes from our industrial revolution, we’ll have the jerkies to sustain us. It’s one of the suggested ‘survival foods’ to always have on hand if you’re entering uncertain territory.
See, I want to be a gourmet. I read about these fine folks traveling all over the world and eating foreign foods, and I see the tantalizing Food Network shows where guys on motorcycles drive the back roads from town to town in search of the best hoagie on Earth. I’m constantly jealous, and one of the few ways I can pursue the goal of testing my palate with everything imaginable is to bring the experience home to me. If I’m going to eat the meat of every animal on the planet before I die, jerky gives me a definite advantage - especially since I don’t know the first thing about shark hunting. No problem, though - I’ll just get some shark jerky. For the record, I don’t want to eat them all because I’m a glutton - I just want to gain their powers, and so far, all I have is a lot of cow and chicken powers, which are hardly the stuff of legend.
For the past year or so, I’ve accumulated jerkies from around our good country - many prepackaged by large companies like Oberto and Jack Link’s, as well as a good deal of small-company stuff. Alligator, ostrich, kangaroo, beef, chicken, and a variety of other mammals and birds have found their ways into my salty collection. Knowing that they’d survive the wait until I was ready (thanks to air-tight packaging and silica gel packets), I’ve finally embarked upon my own at-home gourmet project : JerkyBlog9000. If you’re going to collect something and experience it, what greater good is there than to spread it around as widely as possible? There’s no point in being insular.
And like a vampire in love with the sun, or a sailor in love with Montana, I’m a gourmet with a delicate stomach - so being able to bring the experience home, where I might be able to blow chunks in private, is always an added bonus. The internet is replete with sources for interesting jerkies, from small Vermont companies with unique recipes to at-home jerky makers in the midwest. eBay even has a fair selection, complete with semi-grotesque photographs of the wares. You can almost see the bathtubs where these dangerous jerkies were spawned and marinated in nefarious sauces. Hot and spicy, or sweet, smoked over woods of various trees, peppered and salted, dried and pounded flat for your consumption, the possibilities are only limited by how many species we are allowed to eat.
So, while I respect the vegetarians in the audience, and have even dated a few of you, I’m an unrepentant meat-eater - and apparently, a meat collector… but you don’t need to start worrying about my sanity just yet.
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Article Tags: Jack Links, Jerky, Oberto, survival food================
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